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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

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And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

I noticed something new at work today. This may not be entierly new but I don't take a crap at work often.

At work we now have Toilet Seat Covers. The stupid pieces of paper that you put over the seat when you take a crap. I often wonder how much protection these things actually provide.

If you stop to think about it these things probably don't protect you that much.

First thing: The chances of getting an STD or anything from a toilet seat are slim to none. Even if you sit in fresh urine the chances of getting something is still lower then 1%. I don't know what the chances are if you sit in fresh fecal matter, but shit doesn't conceal it's self as well as piss does and most people can see the shit and move to the next stall if one is covered in another person's material.

Second thing: These covers are made of paper, and flimsy paper at that. These things are biodegradable and are made to FLUSH DOWN THE TOILET. If something that big flushes down the toilet without clogging it, it will probably come apart pretty easily.

Third thing: If you put a flimsy piece of paper on a toilet seat that has fecal matter or urine on it, it's not going to make much of a difference. If you put paper on water it soaks up water and makes the paper even less effective and usually breaks apart. If you put it on crap the water in the crap will weaken the paper then all the bits of corn, nuts, peas, chyme, and what ever else the last person ate is smeared on your ass with rest of the shit that was on the seat. And the paper seat doesn't make much of a difference.

Fourth thing: This one is common sense but from some toilets I have seen I don't think everyone follows it. Most people should have their ass flat on the seat when they take a crap. I know some people don't do this and try to hover over it and aim without much success.
I was at a store once with a single person at a time toilet and someone was in the toilet and I had to go pretty bad, I waited patently for the guy to finish and for the door to the washroom get unlocked. When I was about to step in the guy who was using it said "It's a mess in their." If I wasn't so preoccupied with keeping my sphincter muscles tight I would have puked. The toilet tank, seat, bowl, and floor were covered in this dirty bastards material. I don't know what he was doing but KEEP YOUR FUCKING ASS ON THE FUCKING SEAT. If you sit down even if you're having the green apple splatters most of it would stay in the bowl. I don't know what that guy did for a living but I think it might have been construction because the bathroom looked like a porta-potty. I then decided to use another store in the plaza to take a dump where it was much cleaner.
Also if you have crap that is shooting out of your ass fast enough it creates a splash which is like a poor mans bidet and it's more private then using the drinking fountains that are in most stores close to the washroom to clean your ass. Yet I've only see Hobos use fountains for that purpose. Also the splash helps to clean your ass so you don't have to worry about wiping as much to clean up, as most heterosexual men don't like ANYTHING to get to close to their anus.

So today I lived dangerously and sat on the toilet without a paper cover and didn't sit in any piss or shit. I also didn't get any of my own crap or piss on the bowl. Also I'm sure I can get a cream for this rash that seemed to spring up a few hours after I used that crapper.